somedays I don’t think anyone really understands

I remember talking to Corinne about the difference between seeing our lives being sinful and other’s lives; Christian v. non-Christian. Whereas a Christian would see themselves being horrible because they gossip, a non-Christian would not see that as that bad…they would be considered sinning when they get drunk or something along those lines. Standards I suppose. (In no way am I saying that non-Christians don’t have standards-I’m generalizing.) I don’t cuss, I don’t get drunk, I don’t do a lot of stuff that is seen as the social norm for this society and my age. That is not because I don’t want to-honestly speaking. I do want to cuss, I do want to go out drinking, part of me really does want that life. However, I am called-by my choice-to be held to higher standards. I have fun in other ways, I have appreciated so much more in different ways. I still struggle, I still stumble. I am striving for perfection, I am not perfect. (Psalm 73 applies to pretty much all of this paragraph…it’s a great chapter!)

Thank God for His grace.

Speaking of inner-struggles: grad school v. seminary and guys.

*warning-yes, warning*

Some days I just want to be a missionary. I have thoughts of abandoning everything of this world and going anywhere and living out everday in service to a people who don’t know the love of God. I have been brought up to be so independent that I really do think sometimes that I am to be single and serving because I can-and not too many people could. “Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My Flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:25-26

I don’t put much value in money, or valuable things. I treasure the notes on napkins and pictures and silly little toys that mean nothing to anyone else. I don’t require much. I am pretty content with what I have. I don’t need a new car, anymore clothes or shoes, all the ends seem to always meet-by the grace of God. “Remove far from me falsehood and lying; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the fod that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?” or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.” Proverbs 30:8-9

Other days I see “the need for Christian professionals in the work force.” I just don’t know. I would love to be a counselor of some sort! I would love to be a non-typical young lady in her 20’s with a cute apartment and a dog and such…

Who am I to be available for emotional attatchment>? I don’t know the life I am called to lead except for the day. I’m pretty selfish. I am scared that I will be so independent for so long that I will not be able to depend on anyone else in a relationship. I don’t know what it’s like! I have a feeling that I would be a horrible girlfriend. I want to be pursued, I want to feel special and that someone cares about all the little things I find so great! I do want all of that…but I have lived so long without it that sometimes I think, “Why start now>? I’ve got a good thing going for me. No worries, no hurting, no frustrations.” (which is not all entirely true…there are worries and hurting and frustrations, just different kinds.)

This is my life right now. That and throw in school and church and family and friends. I do love my life. Thank you Lord.

7 thoughts on “somedays I don’t think anyone really understands

  1. As long as you are still searching, God will direct your paths.  The day you quit searching is the day God can no longer use you.  Perhaps He hasn’t told you His plans because you would get comfortable and quit searching…..

  2. Hey!  I can relate so much to some things u said.  Also, I loved how u put verses in there that related so well to what u were discussing.  I’ve wondered about being a missionary too..I’m sure God will letcha know what He wants u 2 do :).  I kinda feel the same way in that its just been God and me for so long that why should I “complicate” things further by adding a guy in there, but yet I desire someone to pursue me also.  N-e-wayz, have an awesome rest of the weekend…sorry this was so long! lol..bye! 🙂 

  3. interesting…..I think it might have freaked me out a bit having my parents live so close when I was in college…yeah,….definately would have freaked me out…

  4. RIDICULOUSLY Honest… wow.
    You would think that being self aware would make some of that easier or more clear…
    … it doesn’t… just means you know what you are choosing between and the consequences involved with each choice.
    “Grad school Vs. Seminary/ Gusy” … I hear you on that one :o) (well not the guy part)

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