I got to share Monday night about my first two years here at school. I had asked Glenn if I could share for 5-10 minutes. Well, for the world of xanga:

I feel as if God has called me to be open with who I am so that He may work and be glorified. With that said, here’s a bit about me to help the understanding process: I am me. I am independent, strong willed, stable, opinionated, not typical, confident, scared, a typical girl, excited by the little things, deep, shallow, nieve, narcassistic, encouraging, goofy, lovable, a jerk, etc. I am a collection of different emotions. The emphasis is on the first one: I am independent. I can check my oil, change my oil, change my tire, I have my own tool box with tools I know how to use, I can cook, clean, I mean, name it!

When I first came to school, I wanted a fresh start from who I was in high school. I changed to a psychology major. They say that people choose that major to find out what’s wrong with someone close to them like a relative…or to find out what’s wrong with themselves. I am definitely the latter. I am in psychology to figure out what is wrong with me.

The first two years were my own personal nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. I slipped into depression, then deeper into depression. I had the perfect plan to kill myself. Actually, I had a couple. I had the perfect time to do it too. Then I felt guilty and slipped even farther. I did not understand how God could still love me. I didn’t understand how I could be worth so much when I felt so worthless. I felt alone, surrounded by people who (I thought) pretended to care. It didn’t matter that I had friends-I knew I did, but I couldn’t believe that I did. I literally lived to find the grace of God. There is no other reason that I am still alive today other than God.

So, forgive me if I find pure delight in the little things in life (like walking in the rain, seeing a butterfly, watching two birds flirt). God is so precious to me-He is my best friend. There was no one when there was Him.

This is were my contentment is.

This is me.

There is no such thing as a cure-we learned that in abnormal psychology class. There’s treatment, but no cure. I still struggle-I felt completely at the end of myself once again Sunday night. I found myself on my bed literally crying out to God. For me, that’s what it takes. It takes God bringing me to that moment for Him to have my attention-weren’t you paying attention>? I said that I’m strong willed! (that’s the nice way of saying that I’m stubborn.)

I do not send this out into the vastness of the internet world to receive anything back, I simply post this because I need to, because I don’t know who needs understanding (of me or someone else.)

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4 thoughts on “

  1. Interesting! I think if everyone was as honest as you were, they have had many of those same feelings and thoughts. know what you mean on coming away to college and trying to find yourself. I have known you since, well pretty much the beginning of Freshman year! We had to suffer through freshman sem. together. . . . (why did we have that class again?!) Anyway! Love you girl and hope that you have a great and wonderful, insightful summer. And you continue to reach and grow close to Him. Thinking about you!

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