I got to share Monday night about my first two years here at school. I had asked Glenn if I could share for 5-10 minutes. Well, for the world of xanga:
I feel as if God has called me to be open with who I am so that He may work and be glorified. With that said, here’s a bit about me to help the understanding process: I am me. I am independent, strong willed, stable, opinionated, not typical, confident, scared, a typical girl, excited by the little things, deep, shallow, nieve, narcassistic, encouraging, goofy, lovable, a jerk, etc. I am a collection of different emotions. The emphasis is on the first one: I am independent. I can check my oil, change my oil, change my tire, I have my own tool box with tools I know how to use, I can cook, clean, I mean, name it!
When I first came to school, I wanted a fresh start from who I was in high school. I changed to a psychology major. They say that people choose that major to find out what’s wrong with someone close to them like a relative…or to find out what’s wrong with themselves. I am definitely the latter. I am in psychology to figure out what is wrong with me.
The first two years were my own personal nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. I slipped into depression, then deeper into depression. I had the perfect plan to kill myself. Actually, I had a couple. I had the perfect time to do it too. Then I felt guilty and slipped even farther. I did not understand how God could still love me. I didn’t understand how I could be worth so much when I felt so worthless. I felt alone, surrounded by people who (I thought) pretended to care. It didn’t matter that I had friends-I knew I did, but I couldn’t believe that I did. I literally lived to find the grace of God. There is no other reason that I am still alive today other than God.
So, forgive me if I find pure delight in the little things in life (like walking in the rain, seeing a butterfly, watching two birds flirt). God is so precious to me-He is my best friend. There was no one when there was Him.
This is were my contentment is.
This is me.
There is no such thing as a cure-we learned that in abnormal psychology class. There’s treatment, but no cure. I still struggle-I felt completely at the end of myself once again Sunday night. I found myself on my bed literally crying out to God. For me, that’s what it takes. It takes God bringing me to that moment for Him to have my attention-weren’t you paying attention>? I said that I’m strong willed! (that’s the nice way of saying that I’m stubborn.)
I do not send this out into the vastness of the internet world to receive anything back, I simply post this because I need to, because I don’t know who needs understanding (of me or someone else.)