God planted an idea in my head a little while ago- am I seeking his blessings or am I seeking him?

Well, that continues to be the challenge. I have gotten used to experiencing or at least being able to guess at what could be seen as his blessings. At present, I cannot seem to feel his blessings. I know I am blessed- abundantly more than I could ever deserve. I am taken care of in so many ways: I have a place I can call home (city, apartment, church), my bills are manageable, I work at a job I love and find fulfilling when busy, I have good friends- both women and men- in my life from my past and my present, my boyfriend literally amazes me everyday in the ways that the Lord has crafted him and blessed my life with him- the challenge, support, humor, perspective, prayer- my parents are close and supportive of the direction of my life and want to stay informed of what’s going on in my life, I am pretty healthy and getting back in shape…

So then, how do I not feel the blessings as I used to? Has my perspective shifted from looking for the good to focusing on what I feel is not right? There is something in my core that feels a certain amount of uncomfortable friction- and I think it has been there longer than I would admit. I know that in times like this, I look for what changed so I can begin to work on it- to fix it. I begin trying to plan ahead to manage and feel in control when I can’t seem to get a grip on what’s going on. But I know that it is only when I let go that I find peace. There is something frightening and calming about letting go of my worries, concerns, hopes, fears, plans- trusting in what I cannot see. There is something happy in that thought and joyous in that action.

This thought was again sparked yesterday by Ozwald’s daily ruminations for April 4th

Indeed the hour is coming . . . that you will be scattered . . . —John 16:32

Jesus was not rebuking the disciples in this passage. Their faith was real, but it was disordered and unfocused, and was not at work in the important realities of life. The disciples were scattered to their own concerns and they had interests apart from Jesus Christ. After we have the perfect relationship with God, through the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit, our faith must be exercised in the realities of everyday life. We will be scattered, not into service but into the emptiness of our lives where we will see ruin and barrenness, to know what internal death to God’s blessings means. Are we prepared for this? It is certainly not of our own choosing, but God engineers our circumstances to take us there. Until we have been through that experience, our faith is sustained only by feelings and by blessings. But once we get there, no matter where God may place us or what inner emptiness we experience, we can praise God that all is well. That is what is meant by faith being exercised in the realities of life.

“. . . you . . . will leave Me alone.” Have we been scattered and have we left Jesus alone by not seeing His providential care for us? Do we not see God at work in our circumstances? Dark times are allowed and come to us through the sovereignty of God. Are we prepared to let God do what He wants with us? Are we prepared to be separated from the outward, evident blessings of God? Until Jesus Christ is truly our Lord, we each have goals of our own which we serve. Our faith is real, but it is not yet permanent. And God is never in a hurry. If we are willing to wait, we will see God pointing out that we have been interested only in His blessings, instead of in God Himself. The sense of God’s blessings is fundamental

“. . . be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Unyielding spiritual fortitude is what we need.



Strong words. Am I looking for God only through his blessings? How can this time be used to see God- not just his blessings? 


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