season of change

I work with change- it’s basically my job to look at ways to enact change. However, I am such a fan of controlled change that sometimes the change in my own life happens very slowly. Lately, my slowness has been brought to my attention and it has been painful to realize my selfishness in that refusal to enact change in my life. I have been self-centered and lazy, not wanting to give any more of myself than I absolutely have to, shying away from engaging others and making space in my schedule, time, and emotions for them. As I sat listening to missions teams report about trips they took, their interactions, their experiences- as I looked around at my friends who are connected and giving back to the church- as I see those around me seem to move in almost a seamless motion with the Lord- I find that I have lost by not moving, when my fear has been that I would lose by moving. I find myself lamenting that I have lost connection with God, lost connection with others, lost the return of joy from serving.

I place barriers to service and call them boundaries. I build walls to actions and label them safeguards. Basically, what I am really saying is that I want what I want for myself more than I want what the Lord wants for me- that I trust myself more than the Lord.

During the summer months- and any time I have a bit more downtime- I find I become lethargic, lazy, lackadaisical. I become adjusted to this way of life and reacting to any request with, “that takes so much energy…” “that requires so much of me…”

I have confused self–care (noun : care for oneself) with being self·ish (adj: 1.devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others; characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives).

I have been presented with several- several- opportunities to begin giving my energies and efforts. Two such opportunities have given me pause to seriously consider:
1. I was approached about facilitating service projects for small groups of children.  I have long refused to even accept that kids are cute, MUCH less have an inclination to get involved with them on any level. However, it seems like the Lord has been slowly, repeatedly, consistently and stubbornly knocking at that wall I have built. He has been chipping away at the stones, bricks, concrete and any other thick and heavy object I could possibly erect in between kids and myself…

2. I have been considering beginning a food blog, which, believe it or not, scares the crap out of me just as much if not more so than working with kids- that seems like a lot of expectation, time, energy, etc. However, I have loved baking and cooking almost once a week for about a year now. I enjoy the process of blogging. I enjoy taking pictures. I enjoy sharing these things with others. So, if 1 + 1+ 1 + 1 =4, then a food blog makes sense.

[I have also given further thought regarding a similar idea in a previous post about the fear of living the good life.]

So, where does that leave me? Once again, it leaves me at a crossroad: I can continue on this path knowing what it looks like and continuing to struggle and getting stuck in my own struggle, or I can choose a different path and trust that the Lord will direct my steps and make my path straight and hold my hand as I walk (also seen here and here and here ) in a new way…

 

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