I grew up with a healthy sense of death. My dad did a good job introducing the idea of dying in such a way as to make it exciting, not fearful. I still grew up thinking, “God, there’s too much to do here. Don’t let me die yet. I at least want to get married!”
Then I spent years in a cycle of depression and anxiety. At those times, heaven became an escape, a place of hope of peace. I also had times that I felt so spiritually high that I arrogantly and selfishly desired to experience heaven and the closeness of God- leaving all the struggle and work to be done for someone else.
Over the last few years, I have had continued to have my understanding molded. When I die, I have asked that the Lord make it good- something to talk about. I want the service to be a party. I want the most inexpensive funeral/cremation/disposing of my body as possible- because I will not need it any longer so why keep it around. Money spent on funerals is exorbitant. Don’t spend thousands of dollars on a wooden casket when you could spend that money on good food or a charity or flowers… something worthwhile. I want people from all over to come together and talk and connect. I want to be remembered for how I was used to touch their lives. I want to be remembered for the passion I have for the Lord. I want to be remembered for living.
This helps me understand how I want to use my time now. Will I be remembered like that? Keep going.
I asked the Lord a while ago to make things clear. Specifically, I made a deal that if I heard or saw something three times, I would take that as a sign from the Lord. The idea of heaven has come up over the last few weeks several times, the third time being this morning. I don’t know what the Lord is doing, but just in case he thinks it’s time for me to experience heaven, I just want to throw this all out there. I have lived more fully in the last few months than I have the rest of my life. I have loved more completely than I thought possible. I have been more broken and more desperate for God and it has been good. I have asked that the Lord let me complete what needs to be completed here and when my death can serve a greater purpose than my life, to please let me enter his presence.
There has been much in my life that has been “made right.”
There will always be something left to do, but it seems that life is at a place that can run without me.