I was one of two single bridesmaids in a wedding this past weekend. As a single woman, I am aware of the single men around me- it’s a blessing and a curse survival skill spiritual gift part of being single gift of being a woman. At this wedding, I’m pretty sure there were exactly two single men in attendance.
At the reception, I sat at a table with the other single bridesmaid, the only single groomsman and two married couples.
During the reception, I ran into my date from my junior prom; the only other single man.
As the festivities continued, people began to shift and my junior prom date shifted to the table I sat at. He was buddies with another guy at the table so it was a relatively simple move. He began to chat with him about people from high school and gladly went for a stroll down memory lane. He turned his attention my way for about two minutes to share his dislike of cake without icing as well as his dislike for raspberry paired with chocolate (clearly, red flags).
After the entire night’s activities had concluded, someone shared an observation that an older, married lady had made: that they did not understand why the single women were not all over this single guy (my junior prom date) at the reception.
All of a sudden, from deep within me, a reaction began to emerge closely resembling a mother bear defending cubs.
My response: maybe it is not the women’s fault.
This reaction gained the attention and the question: What are you saying, Andrea?
Here’s what I’m saying:
Women have chosen to take and carry a responsibility that is not their burden to carry and have thus created this idea that we are at fault when we don’t make things happen. The feminism movement did a lot of good for women in awakening the power and ability that we, as women, possess. However, I think it also damaged the power and ability that we naturally carry as women and we have turned that into something negative. It is not my responsibility to pursue a man. I can invite him to pursue me. I can make him an offer to participate in a moment, a conversation, a relationship; but, if I have to carry the conversation and demand attention- if I have to fight to be fought for- I’m only wearing myself out. It’s not what I want and it is certainly not worth my energy and much less worth my heart.
How dare women expect other women to behave in such a way. What a shame that women tear each other down by pitying those who refuse to step into a role that is not their own.
My heart is too adventuresome and deserves better than a guy who will sit at a table and play it safe. My heart is more valuable and my time is too precious for me to spend trying to convince him otherwise.
Show me a man who fights. Show me a man who risks. Show me a man who chases after the worthwhile pursuits.
I want to be a woman worth the fight. I want to be a woman worth the risk. I want to be a woman worth chasing and considered a worthwhile pursuit.
Dear Men, I apologize if women have given you the idea that we will do all of the work, that we will take on all of the responsibility, that we will carry the weight and take the blame. This may be a reason not to act, but it is not an excuse. This is my invitation for you to step up your game. You have what it takes to play your role. Stop living in the place of comfort. Stop letting women do what you should be doing. I will play my role, whether you play yours or not, but I will no longer carry the blame for your lack of responsibility to act.