I think God is sometimes nonsensical


What do you do when your routine of expectations has been interrupted And you have space to see the desires that have lain in wait And you see those desires more clearly and feel them more sharply How do you handle that much freedom, hope, excitement?

Since returning from Austria, that space has been uncomfortable.
I’ve thought, maybe I’m wrong– maybe those desires are false and it’s just a side-effect of a big trip or culture shock. My reaction has been to fill that space quickly – drown it in “reality” through work or commitments or entertainment that remind me that I have a life to live.

I want so desperately to feel life. Not the over-saturated life filled with such busyness that leaves me feeling ceaselessly tired. I want to feel alive- full of life that leaves me the kind of tired that brings true rest; the kind of tired that comes after such a deep fulfillment that there is rest in the rejuvenation that comes with the work.
I hesitate to act on any of this for fear that it is a momentary emotional reaction to a temporary change. But what if? What if this is the space I need to make a decision I didn’t know I needed to make.

I try my best to communicate clearly so please hear me on this: I have no reason to leave where I am. I have nothing to run from and nothing to run to. I am actually very happy exactly where I am. I returned to my job and was surprised how much I like it- how blessed I am to do what I do. I returned to an office of truly amazing women whom I have grown to admire, appreciate and love. I returned to a home that is exactly that- a home, not just a place I live. I have come back to the community that is growing and a church that is being built and projects I am involved in that bring so much life to my soul.
I have been and continue to be surrounded and filled with a peace that has been my companion in a richer way than I have experienced in a while. I feel freedom to make decisions and choices- to move in some way. At this point, the questions are vague and the answers are blurry. But I am asking and I am seeking.
And in the midst of this, as I have dreamed and thought and prayed and sought clarity and truth and guidance, I began to remember so much of the reasons I stay. To these concerns, I heard the Lord respond tenderly:
Can you trust me with this? Can you trust me to take care of the women, of your loans, of your friends, of your family?
God is sometimes nonsensical; which drives my practicality crazy. But, sometimes, that is the best place to find God.

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