Held here against my own will

I love sitting at the shore of the ocean. There is a stillness and calming in the rhythm of the breaking there.

Usually I sit and think over jumbled thoughts and let them crash against each other before releasing them all the while connecting with the crashing of the waves as they pound against one another before eventually resolving on the shore.

Tonight I found a new place – a space between that gets eaten up by the crashing and tumbling of the waves. This place carries the residual evidence of the wave that has ended seen in the white lattice of design on the surface of the space created.

The space is not long or very noticeable. It is usually overlooked for all that the waves are doing, but the space is necessary for the waves to be seen. It provides the dissonance that allows the waves to have a place to go. It is a flattening but it is full of flowing.

That is the place I connected with tonight – the calm between the waves, the smooth surface still moving but seemingly flat and unaffected and ineffective.

Ocean 1

It was not until recently that I realized how much I have struggled through the summer. I feel as though I have wrestled my way through the days exhausting myself in my efforts to find worth. My resolve melted in the heat and I got lost in the stretch of the days that seem to never end. I crawled through the days cranky and tired spending myself on trying to attach to something that felt full, that felt weighty, that had meaning. I have felt lost and at a loss as to how to be found and buried by the stress of the striving.

I want something to define me.

As I sought wisdom from others and prayer and the Bible and songs and quietness and yelling and crying, the Lord keeps reminding me to be still. As if it were tattooed on my arm.

I want to get going.
Be still.

I just want to go.
Be still.

I want to react out of frustration.
Be still.

I want to react out of excitement.
Be still.

I want to react out of impatience.
Be still.

I was recently told that it’s as if I have one foot here and one foot ready to go.

This perception spoke into words what I often feel. I am constantly trying to referee between my desire to be here and wait it out and work it out and my desire to go and do (and most likely experience this fight somewhere else).

Giving this some thought I find that I feel like I have little tying me here. *This is not to say that there are not good things here – there are! But, at this time, it feels as if there is little to consider for leaving other than, well, me leaving. I have no husband or kids and their network of community to be concerned with any decision and that leaves me feeling as though I can follow the wind. And, other than my own excuses, there is also nothing holding me back from what I feel the Lord has called me to do.

However, this week I realized: being held here does not mean I am being held back.

I have come to this conclusion:

  • I have the freedom to decide where I want to be.
  • I have the ability to seek out what I can change.
  • The mind of man plans his way,
 But the Lord directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9
    (Meaning that I can look to leave but the Lord is ultimately the one who lets me leave; vice versa, I can dig in here and it is the Lord who causes growth.)
  • Being held here simply means I am being held.
  • Sometimes the answer is not necessary to have the resolve needed.

 

* I have many wonderfully good things here. I have a job. I have a church. I have a hair dresser, dentist and doctor. I am connected and continue to be connected and foster connection. I am in a beautiful place with delicious food.

 

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