I was given a beautiful opportunity to see women whom are dear to me this weekend. Women who have walked with me in the confusing and messy places of ministry – of friendship. I was gifted the moment to see the Lord’s faithfulness – to see how he continued with them after I was led to leave.
My heart is full.
But a full heart does not mean a light heart and I am finding it often to mean a heavy heart.
At each greeting, I was invited to share news of my life. And every time I was left wondering how to fill the void left by the question mark.
And this has been my discomfort. How do I handle the stability, the places that do not change, the flat places? I am used to the beginnings and the ends and the in betweens. But what do I do with this?
I think the deeper bother was that I could not offer any insight into reasons for the leaving. I could not give an answer to the questions asked a year ago. I have no evidence to show as a result of walking in obedience to the Lord’s leading in my life.
And what I came to realize after a long two days filled with women seeking after the Lord is that my commitment was contingent on a timeframe.
“Okay, God. I will follow you here because you must be leading me through to something good – within this next year.”
What if the here is the good?
At the end of the two days, we were given a rock to mark our next step towards the promise the Lord has given us. We were instructed to write on that rock what the step was and then we gathered our rocks together to build a reminder for us as we left.
I did not have a profound word. I did not even feel very moved. I am still processing the many words women use when we gather and the many ideas shared in the weekend.
I think sometimes the most difficult act of faith is to be faithful in the place the Lord has you.
That was my resolve with the time and the place and the Lord.
I keep looking for the next thing – and, if I’m honest, I am looking for the next big thing.
This weekend I was reminded that I am called to a purpose that has already been planned for me – and if I am here and now, this is my purpose.
I am to linger here.
The next practical and faithful step, for me, is to linger here. That may sound silly to some, but to a single woman with a heart to go and a vision that feels too great to carry, lingering may be one of the most difficult acts of faith I can muster.