The ability to speak to the deep areas in one another; the ability to hear what is meant and not just what is said; the eagerness to connect… it is beautiful.
As I walk out this path of life seeking the Lord- at times running so fast it seems a blur and at other time crashing into my limits- it never ceases to amaze me. I am loving the experience of “making it up as I go.” That is how I have been referring to this place; but isn’t that life? There is no set way to do this.
I find myself in a precarious yet safe place of leadership. I have no idea what I am doing. I am constantly not in control of my schedule as things pop up or don’t go as planned. I am consistently out of my element. However, being outside of my abilities and watching as everything unfolds beautifully is humbling and keeps me not only in check, but in awe.
The longer I am in this place, the more I am reminded that I am uniquely qualified to be here now. With each step, things become clear:
-Why did I practice counseling only to leave the “field”?
So I could be equipped to hear, understand, and learn how to speak to others in places of hurt, pain, confusion, joy, expectation, etc.
– Why have I experienced heart break?
So I could understand the heart break in others. So I can speak to those places. So I can offer hope and guidance.
-Why have I struggled with this idea of femininity?
So that I could learn the boundaries of my strength and come to grips with the strength that beauty brings.
-Why have I felt isolated over and over again?
So that my worth and validation would not rest in others.
And that is where I find myself. Needing rest. Especially as, over and over again, I watch as people connect- as I am used as a connection point for others but feel so far from actual connection. I have had to practice as a counselor counseling myself out of a job. Counselors, much like mothers, are supposed to work in such a way with the goal to not be needed. I am finding that in this place, at this time, and once again, I am working to not be needed. This is by no means equivalent to not having needs. I am ever so needy, more so than ever before in my life. But it is a learning of where to place what needs. I am (hopefully quickly) learning that my needs are not to rest in the hands of anyone else. I can ask and invite and appreciate when my needs are met by others, but I find that at the end of the day or week, in the depths of myself, there rests a far greater need that no one could possibly touch.
And that is my opportunity to allow the Lord to meet me; in that deep need.
Again and again and again.
the messy places of grace 